Peeling Back Layers to find Truth

My wife and I recently passed our 11th anniversary, virtually unnoticed. Not even a card between us. Hadn't even talked about it until today. She has no reason for not mentioning it, other than she probably forgot because we had some bad weather. I have no excuse. Never crossed my mind. 

Our journey together began November 11, 2007. Our friendship stretches back another 10 years. November 27th was our 11th anniversary, and as noted above - it wasn't. 

This is the truth of our life together - Kim has had a profound effect on me in many ways. She has cultivated a love for animals and a desire to save the injured we come across. She has taught me the true meanings of patience, perseverance and forgiveness. In her I learned what it means to be accepted as I am. She has never tried to change me, rather she encourages me to be more of what I already am.

When I first fell in love with Kim, I made this vow: "My life for your love." And I do owe her my life now. What most don't know is the toll it took on her when the doctors told us I had early-onset Alzheimer's.

I am the only one who knows the devastating criticism, insults, emotional and verbal abuse my wife endured at the hands of her mother while we were in Montana. Kim was there for her step-dad, Bob - not for her mother. When Bob passed away her mother sold the company Bob had wanted us to take over - bankrupting us in the end.

If that wasn't enough, Kim went to Wisconsin for months to look after her birth father, Bill while cancer took his life, one day at a time.Shortly after burying him, we lost our home in Texas to Hurricane Harvey. We were fortunate to have her dad's home to move to, and she is steadily making her marks.

I let Kim down. That's the hard truth, the cold hard truth. I wasn't listening. I didn't realize the price she was paying, the toll on her mind, body and spirit. While dealing with my psychopathy, she bore the loss of her step-dad, the betrayal and anger of her mother, followed by the loss of Bill - months spent by his side as the cancer claimed his body. She was with him, holding his hand when he breathed his last. Then the hurricane. I was in Texas salvaging what I could while she mourned.

I don't know if I could have handled it better. It took years for the doctors and psychologist to restore some semblance of hope. Enough that I no longer wanted to die. It's only been this year that I actually began to want to live just a bit longer. And that is because I have so much to make up for, at least in my mind. Kim has never blamed me, been angry at me, wished she'd never married me - she still has hope for me - hope I don't quite share.

I have spent a lifetime hiding the truth, or omitting parts of the truth to avoid being labeled. It was a waste of time.

There is far more of me in my character, Lazarus Solaris who I write about in my novels, then anyone but Kim and my psychologist would ever believe. I'm not a 'good person'. I've done many good things, all in an effort to make amends for the life I chose to live; the pain I caused so many; and my purposeful isolation from my family and my children.

Kim saved me when I thought I was saving her. I wasn't. I was slowly tearing her down. I don't any more. There's a lot I don't or won't do anymore.

My life for her love. In time, my promise will become self-fulfilling.

I love her. I always will. She is why I get up every day and decide to live, no matter how deep the depression or the weight of my past. I live because of her love. Not God's - not anyone or anything else can stay my hand.

I am not worthy. I know it, but it doesn't stop me. I can only hope we have 11 more years together, even if she never mentions our anniversary again.

Review of "Scavenger Hunt" by Michaelbrent Collings

This is not your typical scavenger hunt – my understatement of the year. A group of seemingly unconnected strangers a forced into a life and death struggle by an unknown individual. It’s extremely difficult for me to describe the novel sans spoilers, however – here goes. There is an underlying connection between all the parties involved; parties who much keep together and work together or face the consequences from the one controlling the “game”. All this happens against the backdrop of an FBI case referenced from time to time. Mr. Collings had me fooled right up to the end, despite having woven a tapestry of clues, albeit slim in some cases, they are there. I was not only surprised by the ending, it provided food for thought. What sort of thought? That, my fellow readers is not something I will share here. 😉

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07ZR8HBC3/

A Matter of Honor

This is NOT a political issue to be. It is a matter of Honor. 

It is abhorrent to me, as it should be for all Americans to watch Trump turn his back on the Kurds who died alongside our troops.

What the President has done to the Kurdish people is a disgrace to my country, my flag, my service in the military, to me personally, to our Allies - but none more than to the Kurdish men and women who gave their lives fighting ISIS alongside American troops. They are the reason we were able to get to the heart of the Caliphate. Now, they are being slaughtered and displaced by Turkish forces - primarily Turkish backed Arab militias.

What Trump did was virtually give the Turks the green light to Genocide and the taking of Syrian territory to use for settlements. He has stated more than once, "If the Turks go too far," he will destroy their economy with sanctions.

Apparently launching a full-scale military invasion of a sovereign nation, (it doesn't matter it happens to be Syria) with expressed intent of "cleansing the land of all terrorists" - then populating the stolen land with their own settlements and approved citizens isn't "going to far." 

Tens, if not hundreds of thousands of our Kurdish Allies are already being driven from their homes, while many of their friends and families are dying from the Turkish onslaught. 

Soon, the tens of thousands of ISIS members and their families will be escaping from the detention camps. How? The majority of the Kurdish guards have gone north to meet the invasion by Turkey.

Impeachment, if it happens, won't be enough for the man who abandons our Allies, shreds our constitution, invites our enemies to participate in influencing our political process and has the moral compass of a pit viper. Trump hasn't done one thing to improve America as an Entire Nation, not even for many who voted for him. The farmers are suffering. The coal miners are not getting new jobs. Mexico isn't paying for a wall. His trade war has hit every American citizen in the wallet. He made promises he couldn't keep, and blames his failures on others. He spreads baseless lies on debunked conspiracy theories. He profits financially from his personal investments at the expense of the American Tax-payer. 

Donald Trump doesn't have an inkling of what Americans who aren't rich deal with. He gave permanent tax cuts to the Corporations and temporary to the people. Members of his own Party have spoken out against him, only to be assaulted in the Media by Trump and his lackeys. The MINORITY of Americans who support him need to wake up!  Trump's only concern is Trump's personal agendas..

Trump has been surrounded by advisors, appointees, supporters and friends who are being arrested, charged and convicted of crimes. Those people are a reflection of the personality at the center of their focus - Trump.

He hasn't made America greater - he has brought shame and disgrace to her. He has disgraced his oath and the office he holds. President or not, he is a despicable human being - corrupt and immoral; showing contempt for our constitution, checks and balances and the rule of law. 

Please, spare me your partisan rhetoric. This isn't about politics. If you think it is? You have eyes that cannot see and ears that cannot hear.