What is Reality to a Mind Broken

I cannot tell if I am awake or asleep. My dreams are as vivid as the world in which I am typing. I assume the other world is of my dreams, it is all I can do – assume. I may be asleep right now. Can I prove it? Can you? I know I chose to believe this is reality, though I have no proof.

I wonder sometimes, is this the price I must pay for the years I spent embracing the darkness? Years of wallowing in excess and depravity with no regard for anyone. The harsh truth is I miss those days. I find myself wishing I had stayed there so many years ago and rode the dragon until the darkness became all I knew. I wrote of this once before, though it was years ago. I wondered if I was going mad, as surely as I was in my dreams. Now, I wonder if perhaps I did go mad and merely embraced it.

In my alternate world, I am close to my brothers, physically and emotionally. In this reality, the only time I have seen them in over a decade was a funeral and two weddings. I have no communication with them, save one. I sense in some their grudges, or spite for me. Spite for the years I spent in darkness when no one knew if I was even alive.

It does not seem to matter I left it all behind. Changed my perception of myself. I went through the rehabilitation process and can say truthfully, I have not ingested an illegal drug or drank of alcohol for over twenty-seven years. Two exceptions in the interest of transparency. I once sipped a so-called virgin margarita for my 17-year-old stepdaughter to verify the presence of Tequila, Cuervo 1800 to be precise. My wife was not certain of it’s true Virgin status. The second time was last week. I dropped a half once of Kahlua with cream into my coffee for a sip. I poured it out and got a fresh cup.

Alcoholic Anonymous Zealots would call that a relapse. I call it what it is. I decision to verify I no longer have a desire for alcohol. Which brings to mind I was actually asked to leave an AA meeting in Waterloo, Iowa in the early nineties.

Long story – short. I was listening to a gentlemen share how nervous and scared he was he might not make it to the coming Friday sober. It was Wednesday. I put forth an observation and inquiry out of curiosity.

“It can be rough, I know; especially in the first weeks and months. How long have you been sober?” I asked.

This is his answer. “Twenty-three years this Friday.”

I followed up, and in all honestly, I followed up as myself. “That is only two days away. How can you NOT make it to Friday after over twenty-two years?”

I was admonished by a senior member, a man of tenure. “There is no call for rudeness. Every day can be a bitter challenge.”

Perhaps I answered with a degree of sarcasm. I did not think so, but I am a poor judge of my own mood or tone of conversation. “Honestly? If I have gone twenty-two years and 362 days without a drink, I’d say Friday was a shoo-in.”

I struck a nerve. “We do not judge others in AA,” I was told with a venomous edge to his voice. I was already borderline as I used the term clean versus sober or I said clean and sober. That did not go over well in the early nineties. Drug addicts were treated as second class. I often brought up alcohol IS a drug. I was told by a physician the chemical compound of alcohol can is the same as ether with addition of an H2O molecule. Don’t quote me on that, look it up yourself.

The reason I was evicted; I said, “As long as you keep telling yourself you ‘cannot drink’, the longer you will remain a slave to booze, because the statement is bullshit.

“You can drink any goddamn time you want. I’s your fucking choice – not mine, not anyone else. I stay clean because I know with certainty not a one of you can stop me if I choose to do so.

“Staying clean and sober doesn’t work when you constantly live in fear. To tell you the truth, if I were three days away from twenty-three years and as insecure a mess as you – I would  be heading to the closest liquor store because you are miserable. Fuck miserable. If you cannot enjoy the clarity sobriety brings you, then all you are doing is pretending to be sober, when all you are just another drunk who still wants to drink.”

That is when I was asked to leave and not return. Such is life.

What the hell does that have to do with my issues with reality? Not a goddamn thing. That is the point of the digression. Staying clean for 27 years is no small feat. My love-hate relationship with narcotics and mind-altering drugs is the one thread that runs through my life from my early teens to the age of 40. My success in staying clean for twenty-seven plus years is the tie than binds it all together.

I will continue to convince myself this is the real world – that I am truly awake despite the vividness and often painful ‘reality’ of my dreams.

What I said of my brother is true, but without malice. I gave up contacting them years ago when I realized I was always the one initiating contact. I hate being right, though I will say this, my eldest brother has invited me to visit when we are physically in the same location.

The time I spent in the dark side of Dallas – Fort Worth was never dull. I met movie stars, athletes, rock stars and celebrities on a regular basis. I was never impressed by their celebrity which endeared me to some who treated me as an equal.

This is what I do when I mind teeters on the fine line between sanity and insane. I do not know which I am – and for the moment, once again I don’t gi

ve a shit.

So, I will continue to fight in my vivid dreams. I scream in my sleep. I fight foes who do not exist. I wake myself up violently – I dove out of the bed more than once to ‘tackle’ someone in my ‘dreams.

Perhaps, when all is said and done, I am insane. If I am, I accept it. It gives me a measure of self-confidence and fearlessness I use when faced with confrontations.

It is simple really. I died in my dreams and I will die in my reality. This much I know.

I am less stressed now for putting these words to paper. I have never felt I belonged in this world around me. Perhaps someday it will become relevant.

 

Until that day comes, if ever it should arrive,

I remain, Robert Ullrich

Erstwhile poet and writer.

We The People

I see politicians and others blaming Trump for the mass shootings rooted in racism and hate. I do believe Trump's attacks on people of color and immigrants fuels the fire and gives others an excuse - since Trump has never taken a strong stand against the Neo-Nazi and white supremacists. 

We, the people, are responsible. We, the people , need to take action. We, the people, need to hold elected officials accountable. We, the people, should stand together against racism and Xenophobia. We, the people, need to take back control of the government and limit it's power. We, the people, and only the people, can make America great again. We, the people, need to remind ourselves and those who oppose us - America is a nation of immigrants.

It is time we, the people, took responsibility for our own actions and come together to mend the rent in the fabric of our society President Trump fosters every day. Then, we, the people need to get out, get involved and make our voices heard. No matter the cost, no matter the hate-filled rhetoric you will get from hard-core Trump supporters, even family members.

Make a difference, or shut-up. You do not get to sit on the sidelines with your head in the sand. History is on the verge of repeating itself...and not for the better.

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There are no innocent bystanders.

Thoughts on Covid-19 and our Presidents response.

1,158,409 Confirmed cases in U.S. 67,792 Deaths in U.S.

As of May 4, 2020, 4:32 AM CDT

This indicates a mortality rate of 5.85%

As a sixty-six-year-old retiree, which means I am drawing on my social security benefits, my perspective may differ from yours as to the changes being brought about by the Covid-19 virus pandemic. I still work, every day. I write and carve wood, work on our 121-year old home, and try to keep the peace with my four fur-babies.

My life has not been significantly affected by the pandemic. I still get my same monthly, although not very impressive check from the SSA. I had already been forced to stop working outside the home in January of 2020 due to the onset of some physical anomalies which make it nearly impossible to maintain a job. It is a day by day situation, and fortunately, I still have  more better, or let me say tolerable days than the ones which keep me from enjoying life.

I have only left the house four or five times since the start of February. My undiagnosed condition can lead to severe bouts of vertigo, which is no picnic when walking let alone trying to navigate the streets.

My last venture out was about a week ago. I went to a Lowes store to pick up some items for my new wood hobby. Remember, these are only my observations and opinions, even if they are spot on… wink-wink.

The first thing I noticed was very few employees wearing masks or gloves, and only about 25% of the customers if that. Those few who know me well are aware of my propensity to share my opinions without concern for tact or political correctness under certain conditions. This – was one of those times. Mind you, I do not rant or rave, I smile and talk to them as though I was talking to a six-year-old. Yes, that does piss a few off, however, I have grown accustomed to the reactions.

An employee approached sans mask and gloves and asked it he could help me find anything, which is a good thing in a box store. However, he walked right up to me, well within arms-reach while speaking.

My response was quick and to the point. I said, “You need to step back at least six-feet. You are standing in my space without a mask. You are risking exposing me to the coronavirus. So, no, you may not help me find anything today. Obviously ,you don’t find trying to limit the spread of a potentially deadly disease as much as me.”

He had nothing to say. He looked like I had just told him to go have a conjugal visit with himself or a close family member. He turned red and then walked away.

I witnessed mothers bringing infants in with neither wearing a mask. The store manager who I used to work for, was walking around in the same manner.

I stopped to pick up some pizza for us on the way home. We try to support the restaurants as much as we can afford during these difficult times.

Well, that did not go well, either. None, not one of the employees was wearing masks or gloves, which did zilch for my desire to support them. I asked the young lady who asked it she could help if she had been tested for the virus. Of course, she said no. I then asked the rest of the four employees the same question to which I got the same answer.

I informed them their lack of concern for the health and well-being of their customers had just cost them one, and I left.

I love their damn pizza, too. I simply find it somewhat pervasive here in central Wisconsin. People do not take it seriously. I understand a lot has to do with the total lack of clarity and/or leadership from the current President and his administration. When he directly contradicts his medical experts at the press briefings it sends a message, and not a good one.

Now, the states are re-opening, some with requirements for social distancing and wearing of masks in stores. That went over like a lead balloon in several states. Customers actually physically threatening employees over wearing a mask. I do, to a degree consider the order by the government reasonable, and at the same time a bit over-reaching. However, store owners and operators can set their own guidelines and require the masks or refuse service.

Then, there are the rabid conspiracists., claiming this is anything from government propaganda to a direct bio-warfare attack by the Chinese.

I may be preaching to the choir, and some of you may agree with the conspiracies. It is neither my job nor my desire to try and educate the willfully ignorant who buy into suck bullshit.

Here is my only comment regarding a governmental conspiracy to take away our freedoms.

If this is a conspiracy, it is the most intricate one of all times. It would mean the leaders of almost every single nation in the world, the WHO, the MIH and the CDC in conjunction with medical experts the world over. It would also mean these same people are colluding in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of lives. It would mean the ER doctors are all lying, all the nurses, EMT’s and hospital staff as well.

Now that, my friend, would be the most significant joint venture of the world governments since the formation of the United Nations.

Well, it ain’t. If you believe the President or the VP, how this will all be gone by Memorial Day or as Trump said, “simply disappear, like magic,” you are among those who are being targeted by nature to try and improve the gene pool. (I am para-phrasing the Don, so if you choose to take umbrage with my “quotation,” that would be your thin skin, not my words.

Nature, from time to time, thins the herd. Whether through tornadoes, hurricanes, diseases, Tsunamis, earthquakes, fires or other means. This herd needs thinning. The problem is, the ones who should be thinned out are displaying their ignorance, lies and conspiracies around. Some of their stupidity is costing the lives of innocents.

Donald Trump spent weeks ignoring the potential magnitude of the crisis, then lied about the numbers of infected, the severity of the symptoms and berated governors who were trying to provide their front-line healthcare and safety personnel with desperately needed PPE, medicines and ventilators.

He brags bout what a great job he has done. I have one simple question for him. “Why did you wait fifty days from the date the Chinese informed you of the coronavirus out-break?”

I can answer that one. He was more concerned about the economy, his ego, his legacy and taking revenge on everyone who ever said anything truthful during the impeachment hearings than he was the citizens of this nation. Mostly, however in my opinion; Donald Trump did not have a clue as to what to do or how to be a leader in times of crisis.

Well, Don, this ain’t so-called “Reality Television.” You have fired or asked for the resignations of some of the finest minds and governmental officials for the pettiest of reasons. You have gutted the government of leadership in many departments, filling open positions with temporary acting directors to avoid Congressional examination of their qualifications.

You could not do anything to make America great again, because it already was. You have, however, managed to alienate most of our allies, been featured as the laughingstock of the United Nations, NATO leadership, The G-8 or however many it is now and of late, the Chinese communist party. The warned you – you said it was like the flu and would be gone soon, you know, just “go away.”

My grandfather told me, “You can sometimes educate the ignorant, but stupid is forever.” You, sir, fall into the latter.

One last note – you have accomplished what no one else has been able to in my family, circle of friends or acquaintances. I will be voting for the Democratic candidate this election. Congratulations, you broke my streak of voting for the Republican nominee which began in 1976. Good job, Don.